I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
