Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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