You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
