We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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