There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
