ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
