she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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