i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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