seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
