Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
