I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
