i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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