Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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