he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Never underestimate the power of titties
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
