You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
