Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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