Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
