he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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