Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize