soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
