U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
