Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
