living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
