i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
