I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
