tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
