i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm passing your future prison.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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