You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
