He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
