Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
