So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
