I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
