You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Gay?
German.
Pity.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
