I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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