Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
