My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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