the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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