The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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