mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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