Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
