I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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