i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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