i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
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