I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
