five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just sucked dick on a ferry
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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