Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
