anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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