I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
