The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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