Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
