Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
