i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
