Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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