apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
