My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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