I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
